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Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Make It Worth It

My Life With Miles.  How the hell are ya?  I missed you old blog! It has been two years and four months since my last post.  I wasn't even sure this site would still be up.  But here it is, how cool.  So much has happened.  Miles is 6 years old and in Kindergarten.  Ella is 3 1/2 going on 15.  We've moved and moved again.  The weeks, months, years have been a blur.  When I think back on the last couple of years I can see images, feelings of love, sadness, happiness, depression, hardship.  I can see flashes of smiles, laughing children, trees, sun, water, running kids.  I can feel my aching back, lethargy, the smell of  coffee.  I can barely open my eyes.  I have trouble breathing.  I can feel tears running down my cheeks.  And then I can see my kids' smiling faces again.

Ella's round little face, rosy cheeks, her little teeth and twinkling eyes.  She's a beauty.  She's a healer.  She's connected.  Her happiness and joy are infectious.

 Then there's Miles.  Miles of Smiles.  His laugh so big and full he leans his head back to get it all out.  Just like me.  His joy and laughter are so pure, divine. He is engaging.  He is connected.  You can't help but feel love in his presence.

I think back on the last couple of years and I give myself a great big hug.  It's been hard doing it all.  It's been hard being a great mother, a wife, having a career, having friends and family, traveling, moving, learning, having patience, cooking, cleaning, being here for others, being here for myself.  It's all been hard but not because Miles has Down syndrome.  It's been hard because I have two little kids, one has Down syndrome, the other doesn't.  They want it all and I want to do it all.  So.....yeah, sleeping, keeping my cool, smiling, breathing, just being.... has been challenging.  But I'm learning now. And I'm slowing down and I'm gearing up for more of the same, but now with more help.  I don't have to do it all, all the time.  I can take turns and I can ask for help and I can take time outs.  And that doesn't mean I'm neglecting anybody, that just means I'm taking care of myself so I can take care of everyone else.  Which I like to do.

I hope to continue writing.  Not sure what I'll do with it.  Maybe I'll revamp this blog, maybe I'll change it.  But I want to write for sure.  And I want to put some focus back into my career.  And I want to bake more.  And keep drinking wine with friends.  And just enjoying things more.   Life is short, make the journey worth it.