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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Video- Miles Plays the Piano

And here he is playing a Wurlitzer piano while papa accompanies with the guitar.

Video- Miles Plays the Drum

Here is Miles at 7 1/2 months, playing the drum with his papa.

Miles the Jazz Man

The other night I was feeding Miles his bedtime bottle. I had music playing in the background. A particular song came on, something kinda jazzy, with a nice piano riff. Miles stopped swallowing and listened intently to the music. It was as if he recognized it from somewhere. Then he sat up and slumped forward, moving closer to the speaker. He was listening, concerned- as if he was remembering something. Eventually he leaned back on me and continued drinking his bottle.

At that moment I thought, "That's who you are! An old jazz musician!" He recognized the tune, maybe he was thinking about his past life and wondering why on Earth he decided to come back!

I have no way of proving it, but I think it's true. Miles loves music: listening to it and playing it. He plays the guitar, the drums and he really digs the piano. And there's just something about him; the way he watches others play, listens and then jams out-- that's so real man....Check it out for yourselves.

Dropped off at Day Care

I dropped Miles off at day care this morning and I've had butterflies in my stomach all day. He's fine, right? He liked it there. The other kids were happy. And they will be nice to him...I hope. I never thought it would be so difficult! I keep picturing the way he looked when I walked out of the day care this morning: he was very content sitting on the floor playing with a little piano. He smiled at me. Did he start crying ten minutes later when he realized I was gone? Will they know how to soothe him? Will they have the patience to spoon feed him his home made food? Will they get him to drink out of the bottle, something he's been fussy with lately? Will they give him his 3 naps? I have to believe they will. They're experience in childcare, that's their job, that's why I chose them. Deep breath....let it out. Another deep breath......he's fine. God I love him so much!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Miles and I communicate

Miles and I started communicating with each other on the back seat of my sister's car in Sydney, Australia about a month ago. We talk every day, several times a day and our conversations have evolved. We don't always yell, but the yelling is always fun!

The Present Moment

I've never been a person to dwell much on the past. But I also don't spend too much time in the present. I'm usually living in the future. Wondering, fantasizing, dreaming about things in the future. Even when I'm having a good time in the present moment, I am looking forward to the next moment in the future. I can be rocking out to Prince with front row seats at Madison Square Garden and I'm still looking forward for the show to end so I can do something else.

Being in the moment is something that I've been working on for years. I even used to wear a bracelet that said, "Be Here Now", just to remind myself to Be Here Now! Well, who knew that it was going to take a little tiny baby named Miles to constantly remind me that I need to enjoy the moment I'm in at all times. Yep, Mr. Miles, the wise old baby who constantly lives in the moment. He knows no other way. He experiences a moment and reacts, then another moment and reacts, then the next moment and so on.

When he was first born, I spent quite some time thinking about the future. How are people going to look at him? How will they treat him? What if he can't speak or walk or read or write? What's going to happen when I'm old, who will take care of him? I spent too many hours giving myself anxiety over these questions. But then I'd look at him and he'd pull me back into the present. He's hungry, I need to feed him now. He pooped, I must change him. He's looking at me, I have to kiss him. Every experience is so real and pure for him; no judging, no regretting, no expecting. Just being.

That first month, I was so depressed and hopeless that I felt I was being sucked into a black hole. But there was Miles reminding me that I had to just breath and take care of what was in front of me and I would get through it. And so I did. Every minute of every day after Miles was born was difficult. But by focusing on him and thinking of nothing but the present moment, I got through it.

My days are much better now. Life doesn't seem bleak and dreary and hopeless, but I still get scared. I still get caught up on what's going to happen in the future, and not just with Miles, with everything. And when I do, I look at him; at his smile, his chunky thighs, his tan belly, his light brown eyes. I breathe it all in and I smile, knowing that the present moment is the sweetest moment.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Life With Miles: A Birth Story

I can't believe I'm actually doing this; letting people read my private thoughts. But I've had so many thoughts since Miles was born that I am compelled to share. I have to share them, no matter what happens. Which might be nothing. It's very possible that no one will read this and that's fine too. So here goes....

My son Miles was born on September 1, 2009 in Los Angeles, CA. About one hour after Miles' birth, we were told that there was a possibility that Miles had Down syndrome. I was still coming off the drugs from my Cesarean, shivering and twitching like a junky on his first day in rehab, when the on-call pediatrician delivered the news. I don't like that woman very much and I'll never forget her face. It's not her fault, she was just doing her job, I recognize that. But I have to direct some of my anger at her because I can't be rational all the time!

As you can imagine, it was a shock. The worst kind. At that moment, I looked at my husband and I could see that it took everything in him not to faint right then and there. Our hearts were ripped open and stabbed with a flaming dagger. Or something like that.

How on earth was this possible? I had the perfect pregnancy. All our test results were great. According to my OB/GYN my chances of having a child with Down syndrome were 1 in 8,021. How that's even possible, I don't know. So here we are, first kid, first grandkid.....and he has Down syndrome. So many thoughts swirled in my head. I thought about the little girl that lived next door to us in Panama when I was a kid, she had Down syndrome, right? She was cute and funny. But she was mentally retarded, no? I thought about Corky from "Life Goes On". I thought about me, what did I do to make this happen? Was it all the headstands I did while pregnant? Maybe I should have taken it easier. Was it the glasses of wine I had here and there? Was I not meant to have a baby? Was the Universe telling me that I was not meant to have a kid? Maybe I was too greedy, too mean. I've had a beautiful, blessed life, maybe it was time to have some tragedy in it. I can go on for days about everything that went through my mind, but the point is that I had a baby with Down syndrome and I had no idea what to do about it.

The next two and half days were the longest in my life. I was recovering from the C-section, learning how to breastfeed my newborn and anxiously awaiting his test results. At times I looked at him and I couldn't see it. Other times it was blatantly obvious. I cried a lot! More than I have ever cried in my whole life. Deep sorrowful cries. I looked like I'd been to Hell and had lunch with the Devil himself.

Meanwhile, Miles was thriving. He had no heart condition, no jaundice, no problem nursing, no hearing problems....nothing. He just wanted to sleep and eat and get cuddled. So I fed him and I watched him sleep and I cuddled with him. And I knew. I knew that the results would say that he did in fact have Down syndrome. And I also knew that it would be all right. All I needed to do was Love him. Love with a capital L because that is who he is. He is Love. Mr. Love. My Little Loverboy. He is the product of Love and he is so full of Love that even at a few days old his Love was bringing my husband, Zach, and I closer than we had ever been. It was amazing.

When the doctors came with the test results, Zach and I had already been expecting the diagnosis. But it was still hard to hear it. Even harder to tell our families and see their reactions. Yep, dealing with people's reactions was one of the hardest parts in the beginning. Dealing with my shattered expectations was another.

It's funny because when I was pregnant I spent a lot of time talking to Miles, thinking about him, wondering how he was doing, meditating on him, dreaming about him and I would tell Zach that we were going to learn a lot from our baby. That it wasn't so much what we would teach him, but what he would teach us. Ha! Little did I know how right I would be!

So here we are now, seven and a half months later and Miles is growing and learning and teaching us so much! He's got the juiciest, chunkiest thighs; turkey thighs. And his checks are round as an apple. He sits up and he rolls over and he laughs heartily and he lights up my life.
And every day I thank the Universe for bringing this beautiful little angel to me.

But that's not to say that life is all honky dory. It's not. It's a massive roller coaster of highs and lows and twirls and falls and sudden stops. Right now I happen to be on a mountain top. Tomorrow? who knows how I'll feel tomorrow. And that's what I'll be sharing in this blog: My Life With Miles.