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Monday, June 25, 2012

What a Diiference a Day Makes

Happy Family!

Like I wrote in my last post, last week was tough.  Zach and I, both sleep deprived, were getting on each others nerves, the kids were driving us crazy and all of lives' responsibilities were wearing us down.  I was done with my role as a mother and wanted nothing more than to switch for the role of carefree bachelorette!   But since I'm not living in a Hollywood blockbuster, more like an independent film,  I can't switch out my role.  I make do.  So I switched my mentality, did some breathing and talked to Zach.  Wow, what a difference that made!

Sunday was good.  We planned our day better, we all ate better, slept better and were just nicer to each other.   We did our chores and got hang out and visit friends.  We drove all over LA and Ella didn't cry the whole time and Miles didn't throw one tantrum.  What was different?  We were relaxed.  The kids vibe off of our energy so much and if we're stressed, anxious, depressed, angry, they feel it and they stress right along with us....causing us even more stress.  It's a vicious cycle!  So we were more aware of each other and what we needed and met those needs with more ease.  God what a difference a day makes!

And this morning was AMAZING!!  Ella woke up only once last night and slept until 7 this morning!  And Miles, the early riser, woke up at 6:30am and was well rested and happy!!  He ate a big breakfast: cereal, toast and egg.  He played.  We played.  He didn't fight me to change his diaper (that's a miracle!) and he didn't whine about wanting to watch TV.  In fact, he had been such a good boy and I needed to get dressed so I was planning on letting him watch some TV while I got myself and Ella ready for the day.  But I didn't need to because he wanted to play outside instead.  AND the amazing part is that he very clearly communicated that to us.  He signed "open" then pointed at the door and signed "shoes"  In other words:  put on my shoes I want to go outside.  What???!!!  You want to know something even more crazy?  Last night while I was reading him books before bed, he pointed at a book and said, with words not sign language: "Ma, read this one."  My heart stopped for a second while I processed what had just happened.  He didn't say it that clearly, but as my mind scanned what I heard, I knew that was exactly what he said. I mean, shit, he was pointing at the book!!  So I said back to him, "You want me to read this one? Ok, lets read this one."

I was floored, seriously, I would have fallen down if I wasn't sitting. It was AMAZING and it was a glimmer of what will surely come more with time.   Miles is truly trying to communicate and I know that he understands a lot more than he lets on.  He's also a toddler, who listens when he wants to.  But he is way smarter than people think and he is starting to figure it out himself.  If he talks, we listen.

He woke up this morning saying "papi, papi, papi".  And I came in the room and said, "What about me?  What about mami?".  So he started repeating mami.   At night before going to bed I tell him, "Okay, it's time to go to sleep.  I'm going to put you in your crib and you're going to go to sleep and dream with the angels, okay?".  He always nods or says "yes", but I wasn't sure he was understanding me until the other day when he said yes then grabbed his Elmo doll, got off the couch, walked to his crib and waited for me to lift him up. Success!!

Miles is processing so much on a daily basis and sometimes I forget that these are all just growing pains.  We are all going through our own growing pains as we continue on our little journey called life!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Too much!

This past week has been too much.  Just too much!!  I've lost my patience with the kids every single day.  Ella's been sick for two weeks, Miles has been whiny and stubborn all week,  I've had a bunch of work opportunities but none panned out, I've ran around going to meetings and doctors and seeing people, trying to be social.....I don't have the time and I'm tired.  No, I'm exhausted and sleep deprived.  And I want to go back to having some kind of semblance of a normal, fun, easy life but that's impossible at this point!  On Tuesday I thought it was Thursday.  How depressing when I found out it was Tuesday. I just wanted to run away from my life all week and hide out in a movie theater watching every single dumb blockbuster imaginable. 

I am so done with Miles' busy schedule.  I'm tired of running around town taking him to therapies, fighting with him to get in the car and then fighting with him to get out and keep his shoes on.  I'm tired of trying to get Miles to eat something other than brown rice and chicken and this week it was a fight just to get him to eat that!  I'm tired of fighting with him about the TV.  All he wants to do is watch TV and when we don't let him he whines incessantly.  I'm tired of constantly cleaning up after everybody in the house.  I'm tired of cooking.  I'm tired of getting up in the middle of night to feed Ella.  I'm tired of trying to get her to sleep.  I'm tired of constantly cutting her nails.  I'm tired of changing so many diapers for both Miles and Ella.  I'm tired of feeling angry and sad and annoyed.  I'm tired of apologizing to people for why I couldn't call them back.  I'm tired of phone calls.  I'm bummed that I haven't booked a job in a while even though I've been auditioning.  I'm bummed that I never get to read or write anymore.  Agh!  The list could go on and on and on but I think I've made my point.

I need some freedom.  I need a break.  But really I just need a mental shift because the reality is that I'm not getting a break, not a real one anyway.  A few hours here and there are nice, but they're just a band aid. I love my kids and I do love my life, but right now I want to run away from it all for about a month.  I want to sleep and watch movies and TV and read a book and exercise and lounge around.  That's what I want for a whole month.  And you know what the real sad thing is?  I just got back from Hawaii two weeks ago!!!!  I got to go on this amazing vacation with my whole family and go to the beach with the kids and play in the sand and drink and eat and take naps here and there.  But it was still exhausting.  I'm still mom on vacation with the kids which means I'm still on duty.  I want to be fully off duty.  This week, I needed to be off duty.  But that's impossible.  So.....a change in attitude, a mind shift is what I need.  I'll start tonight with some breathing and letting go and maybe, just maybe I can start next week with a smile, an open heart and patience.  Tons and tons of patience!