Welcome to my blog! The posts are listed by date, with the most recent on top. Enjoy.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Trusting the Process

Last Friday I was up at 5am and watched the sunrise from my new home office.  I wasn't up because of Miles, it was actually my 30 week pregnant belly that was making it way too uncomfortable to sleep.  So instead of tossing and turning for another hour, I got up and enjoyed an early morning by myself. I stretched and meditated and sipped some calming tea.  I needed that, you see I've been pushing myself too hard the last couple of weeks.  Mentally and physically.  I've been so overwhelmed and anxious about getting everything just right before this baby comes that my brain and body have been running on overdrive and I've had no time to nurture myself.  So my body revolted and I broke out in hives on my hands and feet! That has never happened to me before and I spent a couple of days ignoring it, thinking they would go away.  But the pain just got worse, to the point where I could barely make a fist with my hands.  So I stopped and listened to what was going on inside of me.  And I made a deal with my body:  I told it that I would promise to slow down, rest and take care of myself if it promised to stop the hives from spreading and make them go away, fast!  And it worked!  My body complied...and so did I.  I spent the rest of Thanksgiving weekend relaxing at home with Zach and Miles, taking naps, being outside and enjoying the beautiful weather. 

It's ridiculous that I had to break out into hives to slow down!  Oh, not only that, I also got some weird pain in the back of my knee which had me limping for almost a week.  I couldn't bend or stretch my leg completely because of the pain.  I couldn't kneel, sit with my legs folded, crouch.....so basically, playing with Miles was almost impossible.  I'm happy to say that I feel fine now and that although I still have lots of "stresses", I'm not over-doing it and am taking time out to be good to myself.  Even if it just means going to sleep early or reading a book instead of answering the phone.  I hope it lasts because the next two months are gonna to be jam packed with activity and change.  Lots and lots of change......

Miles is starting at a pre-school in less than two weeks.  It's more like a pre-pre-school.  It is at the center where Miles gets his Occupational therapy and it's part of the Early Intervention Programs in the state, so it is paid for by my regional center.  It's for kids under 3 years old who are walking and have some kind of developmental delay.  There is one teacher per 3 students and they are all trained in working with kids who have special needs.  Currently in the program, there are several kids with Down syndrome, a couple with Autism and the rest have either speech or other physical delays.  The classrooms are cute, the teachers are sweet, and I know Miles will do well....but I'm so nervous!  What if he can't keep up?  What if he really isn't ready for this setting yet?  What if there's too many changes for him at this moment?  The truth is, I think Miles will be fine, I'm the one who's having a tough time with all these transitions!!!!

I'm going to have another baby in less than two months! My son is starting pre-school and all his current therapies are going to be in flux while we adjust to the new pre-school schedule, which means my schedule is going to be a mess!  I still have to get Miles' new room ready and move him in, preferably before baby girl is born!  I need to finish organizing baby girl's closet and the kitchen and oh! the holidays are coming and I want to decorate the house and be merry and celebrate and buy gifts and see friends and bake cookies and get a haircut and a facial and go to yoga and did I mention I'm having another baby in less than two months????  Yes, it's me.  I'm the one freaking out about all the changes.  Do you see why I got those hives?

I was taking it one day at a time and that was working so well for me, then all of a sudden I hit week 29 or 30 of my pregnancy and I realized that time was flying by and I wasn't getting enough done!  I'm a doer, so being a pregnant tired lady with a two year old son does not necessarily slow me down.   And you know what the real funny thing is?  Now that I'm getting so close to having the baby and I'm finally feeling the stress of it all, I start getting a bunch of auditions and jobs!  It's been dead for me the last three months, then all of a sudden, I'm booking again!  That's life though!  When you think you can't put one more thing on your plate, life throws you another and you have to find a way to balance it all. 

My yoga teacher reminded me today that I need to "trust in the process.  It will all work out."  I know this, but I had forgotten.  So right now, in this very moment at least, I am trusting in the process.  I am trusting that all that needs to get done will get done.  I am trusting that I am exactly where I need to be, mentally and physically.  And if I just let go of my fears and anxieties and continue trusting the process, this whole transition will be much smoother for myself and my family.  Deep breath.  Lets see how long this lasts.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Doing What I Love

Miles has therapy every day except Friday.  He's got a busy schedule, so I've got a busy schedule.  And we have a routine.  On Mondays and Wednesdays it's physical therapy in the morning and then daycare for a few hours. I usually get some grocery shopping and house cleaning done, maybe and audition or a doctor's appointment as well.  Basically, chores! On Tuesdays it's speech therapy followed by 2 hours of occupational therapy, then it's home to nap and music class to end the day.  On Thursdays it's speech therapy followed by infant stimulation, followed by a nap and then a free afternoon where we often go to the park.  And Fridays, oh sweet Fridays, those are mine, completely mine!  After breakfast, I drop Miles off at daycare for the whole day.  I get to exercise, write, read, nap, cook, go shopping, catch up on blogging, catch up with friends, take a long bath, nap.....it's my day for me.  I love Fridays but today was not one of those Fridays.  Today is Verterans Day, it's also 11-11-11, supposedly and auspicious day.  I had planned to take a yoga class or a long walk, followed by a yummy lunch, a nap, some writing....until I realized that daycare was closed today.  Argh!  Don't get me wrong, I love my little dude and I love hanging out with him, but Fridays are so important to my sanity!  Especially now that I'm pregnant!

So here I was Friday morning, 8am, we had breakfast, we're dressed, Zach is off to work, the sky is threatening to pour down rain, Miles is bouncing off the walls and I'm wondering what the hell I'm gonna do all day to entertain him.  I'm just not used to having a whole free day with Miles, not since he was like a year old anyway.  Our days are scheduled and busy, even the weekends when we often have birthday parties, family gatherings, a swim class or learning class or something.  There's always something it seems.  Not today.  There was nothing.  Just Miles and me and the whole day in front of us.  Honestly, I was a little afraid.  Now that he's walking, he's a little maniac, constantly going from one from to the other, climbing up the bed and couches, opening doors, getting into drawers.  He's also more aware of things he didn't notice before like the radio, the phone, the remote control and he wants to play with them all day long.  It's difficult to pin him down for a meal unless he's starving, so I usually end up sitting on the floor next to him eating my food until he seems interested in having some of his own.  We're still trying to get him off the bottle and though he can drink out of sippy cups and regular cups, he still has a bad habit of throwing them on the floor.  And of not drinking enough liquids out of them.  So I'm constantly having to offer him different liquids in different cups so he drinks enough and doesn't get constipated.  I feel like I spend the day saying, "Miles stop.  No Miles.  Don't touch that.  Please come here Miles.  Miles what's in your mouth.  Please stop throwing things."  It's exhausting!  Oh and he hates it when I change his diaper or try to put clothes on him, he's like a little caveman.  I have a baby caveman!  You have to remember the thing about Miles is that he's delayed, he's always going to be delayed, so although he's making huge progress, like walking and a few sign language words, he is more like a one year old than a two year old.  And being 7 months pregnant while running after a 1 year old is tough!!

I don't know how other moms do it, especially with multiple kids.  But they do it.  So I had to pick myself up and do it today, even though I just wanted to sleep.  And we ended up having an.....interesting day.  After breakfast, we practiced reading skills:  matching words to pictures.  Something I'm learning through a class we take on Saturdays.  That lasted about 5 minutes until he started chewing on all the flash cards and we had to stop.  Then we moved on to arts and crafts.  I recently bought him an easel with a dry erase board and chalkboard on the other side.  I showed him how to scribble with the markers but after a few tries, he thought it would be more fun to scribble my face.  So we moved on to the chalk, which he decided would make a great meal.  I fought with him trying to get the chunk of chalk out of his mouth and he bit me so hard with his little shark teeth that I cried. So arts and crafts ended in tears.  My tears.
I then made plans to meet up with a friend and her daughter at an indoor play space.  So we had a snack, changed a poopy diaper and headed out.  Well, it seems Miles' daycare was not the only closed for Veterans day because every other mom in the area brought their kids to the play space too.  It was ridiculously packed, to the point where little ones could seriously  get hurt by the big ones running around without a vigilant parent.  Miles of course, gets over-excited in these type of places, especially with big kids around.  So he was in heaven wanting to run, climb and jump just like the big kids.  He made me go in the bouncy castle with him (yes, he has his ways) and when he got tired, he literally jumped out of the hole.  I dove towards him on my belly (sorry baby girl!) grabbed him by the leg and fell out of the bouncy castle onto the foot of another mother.  It was embarrassing and hilarious and utterly wrong all at the same time.  Then he had me climbing up a ladder with him and sliding down the slippery slide where I almost fell again.  Eventually, I got him into the small children's area where he played with toys long enough to let me catch my breath.  But we didn't last there very long.  He started throwing himself on the floor in his little "tired tantrums" as I think of them because it's what he does when he's real tired.  So we left and he fell asleep in the car within minutes.

He took a good looooong nap, but I didn't get to enjoy that nap time because I had to go to my shrink appointment.  Luckily my mom was around to watch him for that hour and a half, but I didn't get my nap in and boy did I need it. When I returned from my appointment, my mom left and it was me and the man once more. I was too exhausted to try hard.  So we watched TV, something we try not to do until we put on Signing Time after dinner.  He didn't want to eat, so I didn't force him.  We played with his toys, read books, jumped on the bed and watched TV.  And when I put him to bed at 7:30pm, he drank his milk and wrapped his arm around my belly and I melted for the hundredth time.  Miles is not able to tell me that he loves me.  He doesn't respond or even seem to understand simple commands yet.  I can't reason with him the way I see my friends reason with their two year olds and that's incredibly frustrating.  But with one touch, one smile, one look, I know exactly what he's feeling and what he would tell me if he could.  He is able to express all of it with his eyes, his smile, his touch and that is worth more than words to me. 

We had a long, rocky and fun day.  I'm exhausted.  I shouldn't even be writing right now, but I had to.  I want to be able to remember these sweet sweet moments with my son.  I have to constantly remind myself to have more patience with Miles, that he will catch up, that we will communicate better one day, that he will understand me.
I use the mantra "This too shall pass" throughout the day when I'm faced with a challenging moment with Miles. What I need to remember is that the mantra also refers to the good moments.  They too will pass, so I need to savor them.  Savor the sweetness of my little boy, with all his quirks, because he is perfect just the way he is.

These are photos of Miles and I playing around on my bed today.  He found it hilarious every time I put the camera up to make a picture.  I loved it too.  And I realized as I looked at this photos, that despite what I thought I wanted to do today, I spent my day doing exactly what I love to do.