I've never been a person to dwell much on the past. But I also don't spend too much time in the present. I'm usually living in the future. Wondering, fantasizing, dreaming about things in the future. Even when I'm having a good time in the present moment, I am looking forward to the next moment in the future. I can be rocking out to Prince with front row seats at Madison Square Garden and I'm still looking forward for the show to end so I can do something else.
Being in the moment is something that I've been working on for years. I even used to wear a bracelet that said, "Be Here Now", just to remind myself to Be Here Now! Well, who knew that it was going to take a little tiny baby named Miles to constantly remind me that I need to enjoy the moment I'm in at all times. Yep, Mr. Miles, the wise old baby who constantly lives in the moment. He knows no other way. He experiences a moment and reacts, then another moment and reacts, then the next moment and so on.
When he was first born, I spent quite some time thinking about the future. How are people going to look at him? How will they treat him? What if he can't speak or walk or read or write? What's going to happen when I'm old, who will take care of him? I spent too many hours giving myself anxiety over these questions. But then I'd look at him and he'd pull me back into the present. He's hungry, I need to feed him now. He pooped, I must change him. He's looking at me, I have to kiss him. Every experience is so real and pure for him; no judging, no regretting, no expecting. Just being.
That first month, I was so depressed and hopeless that I felt I was being sucked into a black hole. But there was Miles reminding me that I had to just breath and take care of what was in front of me and I would get through it. And so I did. Every minute of every day after Miles was born was difficult. But by focusing on him and thinking of nothing but the present moment, I got through it.
My days are much better now. Life doesn't seem bleak and dreary and hopeless, but I still get scared. I still get caught up on what's going to happen in the future, and not just with Miles, with everything. And when I do, I look at him; at his smile, his chunky thighs, his tan belly, his light brown eyes. I breathe it all in and I smile, knowing that the present moment is the sweetest moment.