Can't Tame The Chaos

I was talking to a mom of two yesterday (a 6 yr. old and a 3 yr. old) who told me that she spend the first two years of being a mom trying to incorporate her baby into her life or trying to figure out how her life fit with her baby. She said that after two years, she finally stopped trying so hard. She realized that her life would never be the way it used to be and that she had to give in to the chaos. Once she did that, it ceased being chaos and just became life. Well, I'm still in that place of trying to figure out how to fit my life with Miles or how to fit Miles into my life.
I go through periods of having it all worked out, I'm in the groove and I'm feeling good. Then I go through periods of total misalignment, where life seems to be spinning out of control. Right now, I think I'm in some kind of transition period. Kind of like the weather: one day I feel stormy and emotional, the next day powerful and jubilant. And that's all right by me. I'm just navigating through these waters, taking it one day at a time.

The last couple of weeks have been both exciting and exhausting. I spent one very busy week, feeling like my "old" self again, booking several jobs and running around from one to the other. I felt guilty at times because I wasn't there for Miles' therapy or his bath time. But I felt great about having work! I was rejuvenated, inspired, my spirits lifted because I was taking care of myself. Miles was fine, he was being looked after by both my husband and my mom. He didn't miss any therapy and they got to spend more quality time with him. It was a win win.....yet I still had to tell myself that it was okay. That I was a good mother, that I wasn't being selfish. I still felt guilty. Why do I torture myself? Om....balance.....

Well, today I didn't torture myself. Today I let myself unfold with my day. I wasn't sure how it was going to shape up, but it turned out to be a fantastic day. I had no energy and no desire to go outside and be a part of the world. I dragged myself to yoga kicking and screaming and left feeling calm and clear. I spend the rest of the day with great company, had a long lunch with friends and a great gathering with my mom's group after that. Miles played and laughed and I ran around behind him feeling pure joy and love in my heart. It was a good day indeed.
Tomorrow? I'm not sure how I'll feel tomorrow, but right now I'm in a good state of mind and I'd love to keep it that way. I think the key is to remember that I cannot tame the chaos. Life is in constant chaos and that's the beauty of it!


Miles pics:

Here is Miles and some friends on a commercial shoot. That's right, Miles is following his mama's footsteps and trying to earn his keep in showbiz! Or something like that...he got the job through a friend and we're not making him earn his keep, but he did make some money! Go Miles! He was an awesome actor that day and had so much fun playing and working at the same time.

Miles and his wonderful O.T., Lilly.

Happy boy! These days, Miles has been working hard and having fun in therapy.