This past week has been too much. Just too much!! I've lost my patience with the kids every single day. Ella's been sick for two weeks, Miles has been whiny and stubborn all week, I've had a bunch of work opportunities but none panned out, I've ran around going to meetings and doctors and seeing people, trying to be social.....I don't have the time and I'm tired. No, I'm exhausted and sleep deprived. And I want to go back to having some kind of semblance of a normal, fun, easy life but that's impossible at this point! On Tuesday I thought it was Thursday. How depressing when I found out it was Tuesday. I just wanted to run away from my life all week and hide out in a movie theater watching every single dumb blockbuster imaginable.
I am so done with Miles' busy schedule. I'm tired of running around town taking him to therapies, fighting with him to get in the car and then fighting with him to get out and keep his shoes on. I'm tired of trying to get Miles to eat something other than brown rice and chicken and this week it was a fight just to get him to eat that! I'm tired of fighting with him about the TV. All he wants to do is watch TV and when we don't let him he whines incessantly. I'm tired of constantly cleaning up after everybody in the house. I'm tired of cooking. I'm tired of getting up in the middle of night to feed Ella. I'm tired of trying to get her to sleep. I'm tired of constantly cutting her nails. I'm tired of changing so many diapers for both Miles and Ella. I'm tired of feeling angry and sad and annoyed. I'm tired of apologizing to people for why I couldn't call them back. I'm tired of phone calls. I'm bummed that I haven't booked a job in a while even though I've been auditioning. I'm bummed that I never get to read or write anymore. Agh! The list could go on and on and on but I think I've made my point.
I need some freedom. I need a break. But really I just need a mental shift because the reality is that I'm not getting a break, not a real one anyway. A few hours here and there are nice, but they're just a band aid. I love my kids and I do love my life, but right now I want to run away from it all for about a month. I want to sleep and watch movies and TV and read a book and exercise and lounge around. That's what I want for a whole month. And you know what the real sad thing is? I just got back from Hawaii two weeks ago!!!! I got to go on this amazing vacation with my whole family and go to the beach with the kids and play in the sand and drink and eat and take naps here and there. But it was still exhausting. I'm still mom on vacation with the kids which means I'm still on duty. I want to be fully off duty. This week, I needed to be off duty. But that's impossible. So.....a change in attitude, a mind shift is what I need. I'll start tonight with some breathing and letting go and maybe, just maybe I can start next week with a smile, an open heart and patience. Tons and tons of patience!