Looking Back: 2011

Once a month we go to a "learning class" for children with Down syndrome at Club 21 in Pasadena.  I love going because it gives us an opportunity to be with other parents who are on the same boat as us.  It gives Miles a chance to play with other kids with Ds and we learn real useful ways of teaching our children now and in the future. We get notebooks with information, flashcards, sign language cards, we go through a power point presentation and sometimes even role play with each other.  There is so much information that it is incredibly overwhelming.  Each month as we're driving out to Pasadena at 8:30 in the morning I realize a whole month has passed and I've only practiced with Miles a handful of times.  Guilt sets in!  I'm a terrible parent, I didn't do my "homework", I didn't make him work hard, I slacked, what's the point of going to these meetings if I'm not teaching Miles at home, etc etc et.  I berate myself for a few minutes until I hear the facilitator's voice in my head telling me that "just showing up for the class is enough".  It is enough right?  I'm doing as much as I possibly can.  One day I'll have more time and I'll be able to help my son learn how to count or read or write...right?

It's hard and I'm not the only who feels that way.  Every single parent in that rooms feels like they could and should be doing more for their children.  We all feel like failures.  We all feel frustrated with the difficult task of teaching our kids how to match objects or count or just keep them from eating the damn flashcards!!  We are all overwhelmed by the amount of material being presented to us and we're not sure if we'll ever be the right teachers for our kids.  We talk about it, we cry and laugh and share both our struggles and our successes.  It's sad that we feel like we're not doing enough for our kids because I look around that room and I realize the facilitator is right, we are doing enough just by showing up.  We are absorbing information and we are sharing with each other and we are doing as much as we possibly can to make sure our children get the same opportunities as typical kids.  We are arming ourselves with tools that one day will come in handy. We just have to have more patience and celebrate the little milestones as well as the big one because it will take our kids much longer to learn, that's just the reality.

So as 2011 comes to a close, I am looking back at how far Miles has come in the last year and it's huge!  He reached two very big milestones this year:  walking and talking.  He crawled for 10 months before he finally got the desire and the strength to walk, but he did it!  And he can also crouch, pick up objects and stand back up.  Seems simple to us, but it was a difficult thing for him to master.  Miles is also  communicating with us through sign language and a few spoken words.  In the last couple of weeks he has really started using his signs to tell us when he wants or doesn't want something.  This evening before bedtime, we were sitting on the couch in his room reading books when he suddenly looked at me and made the sign for "cracker".  I said (in Spanish and signing back to him), "you want a cracker?  are you hungry".  He made the "cracker" sign again, then got off the couch and walked to the door that leads to the kitchen.  I followed him, got him his crackers and we walked back to his room.  He promptly climbed on the couch, ate his crackers while I resumed reading "Good Night Gorilla".  When he had enough, he made the sign for "milk", so I gave him the milk and said it was time to go to sleep.  I turned off the light, he leaned his head on my belly and went to sleep.  We communicated.  There was no fussing or fighting or crying or kicking or biting.  I would have never guessed he was hungry, but I didn't have to because he told me.  It was amazing!

And you know what else amazes me about our communication? That he understands me in Spanish as well!  I've had so many parents of adults with Ds tell me that I should stick to one language, that it's going to be too hard for him to understand, they've made me second guess myself and feel shitty, like I'm not doing the best thing for my kid.  But you know what?  He understands me!!!!!  He gets me and that's all that freaking counts!   When I tell him, "busca tus zapatos", he knows to go get his shoes.  When I say "vamos a lavarte las manos", he comes to the bathroom to wash his hands.  "When I tell him, "quieres un huevo?", he points to the pan and makes the sign for egg.  He might not speak Spanish now, maybe he'll never even speak it, but you know what?  He understands it and that's good enough for me!  He is bilingual in my book and he's defying what all those naysayers have told me!!

There are so many other smaller milestones he's reached like being able to use his pincer grasp (index and thumb) to grab small objects.  He has much better coordination when using a spoon or fork and can get the food into his mouth 4 out of 5 times.  He can point to his ears and his head.  He can throw a ball and is starting to kick it too!!  When we're dressing him, he knows to pull his arms through the sleeves and he helps us put on his shoes....when he's in the mood.  Yes, he has a strong will and he makes many other things very difficult, like changing his diaper or taking him out of the bath or feeding him dinner.   He knows how to turn on the TV and is constantly trying to get us to let him watch it.  He throws fits whenever he's frustrated and he still kicks or bites us when he's mad, but doesn't that come with the toddler territory?  We lose our patience and want more from him:  more communication, more understanding.  But what we need is more patience.  I could dwell on the difficulties of raising him, on how challenging his behavior is right now, but I do that all the time.  Instead, I'd like to celebrate his progress and look forward to another year of happiness and discovery!

My Little Buddha Zenned Out!

Miles is going to be a big brother in 2012 and I look forward to learning from him through this experience.  I'm sure he will continue to teach me about love, compassion and acceptance while he learns to navigate his way in this life.  So cheers to you my sweet little man!!  May we both have the strength and flexibility to move through the challenges of this coming year.

See you all in 2012!

Merry Holidays!

I love Christmas.  I love the cool weather, the colorful lights, the smells of cinnamon, nutmeg and spice.  I love the family togetherness, lounging about eating food all day long.  I love getting special gifts for those special people in my life.  Christmas time makes me think about the year that's passed, the memories made, the challenges overcome and it gets me thinking about the year ahead.  I start tying up loose ends and setting my intentions, recharging my batteries, looking ahead to new beginnings.   This year has been special because Christmas fell right in the middle of Hanukkah, which we also celebrate since Zach is Jewish.  Back in our New York days we used to have an annual Chranukkah party complete with secret santas and potato latkes.  But wow! how things change once you have kids!  We've gone from all night ragers with rum punch and spiked eggnog to parties where the children seem to outnumber the adults.  But it's all good, it's Life.  It's where we are right now and I'm enjoying it in a different way.

This year Miles is old enough to actually partake in Christmas and Hanukkah.  So we have been lighting the Menorah and he's been able to open his own gifts.  He even helped Grandpa Mikey stuff the stockings this morning.  I didn't put up a real tree because Miles would destroy it, but we still had a beautiful tree and lights and decorations and food and joy and laughter and much merriment. It's been a beautiful week spent with family and friends and an emotional week as I see how much my little man has progressed.

I am literally 5 weeks away from my due date.  Soon enough there will be a new addition to our family and everything will change again.  I'm scared and excited, thrilled and filled with trepidation.  I've no idea what to expect, so I'm just going to hope for the best.  Life is about to take a new turn for us and we are going to welcome it with open arms!

Merry Holidays to all my dear family, friends and readers.  May this season fill you with peace, joy and lots of love.

Our Christmas Tree!

Miles helps Grandpa Mikey fill the stockings.

Zach, Miles and Loreni

Miles trying to get to his stocking.

                                                    
                                    Miles playing with his new basketball hoop.  A gift from uncle Nico.

He Started Preschool

Today was Miles' first day of preschool.  Pre-preschool to be exact since it's part of the Early Intervention program for kids with special needs.   I've been stressing about this day for the last month.  How is he going to do?  Will he cry?  Will he have fun?  Is he going to eat the food they serve during lunch?  Will he hit, scratch or bite any of the other kids?  (He's been known to do this at times, usually out of excitement but sometimes not).  Will the teachers like him and treat him well?  What am I going to do with just 3 hours free?  I'm used to having a whole day free when he's at daycare, can I get anything done?  How will this affect his other therapies?  Etc etc. etc.  A few weeks ago I got those hives and leg pain, the last few days I got chancre sores in my mouth (it's hot, I know) all from my stupid anxiety.  I know, that's how I am.  

Zach and I dropped him off on rainy LA this morning.  He was a little apprehensive at first, not sure where he was or what was going on.  He was probably picking up our own apprehension as we weren't sure which classroom he was in and where to enter, what to do.  But once we figure it out and walked into his new classroom, decorated with winter snowflakes hanging from the ceiling, kids and toys everywhere, he asked me to put him down and went straight to work...playing.  He picked stood at a table with 2 other kids and lots of blocks and pegs and started playing as Zach and I talked to the teacher.  He seemed at ease, happy, excited to explore and I felt at ease, happy and excited to leave him for the next three hours.  I got a yummy kiss and hug goodbye from Miles, Zach good a wave and a high five and as we started walking out he finally realized we were leaving!!  In an instant he began to cry, his sweet smile turned into a painful frown, quivering lip and I started tearing up myself!.  I blew him a kiss and told him we'd be back and that he'd have fun, but I couldn't stay and prolong the moment.  As Zach and I stepped outside the door, I saw one of the aides scoop him up in a big, nurturing hug and I felt okay knowing he'd be looked after with love.  But that didn't stop me from crying. 

We stood outside the classroom door, hugging and crying because our precious little man is entering a new phase, he's growing and we have to let him grow and trust that he will do well.  In fact, he will do great.  I know it.

When I returned three hours later to pick him up, he was enthralled with story time.  I called his name a few times but he didn't turn to look.  When he finally saw me, he stared at me like, "oh, you.  what do you want?"  I think he was kinda mad at me for leaving him there even though he had a good time.  According to the teacher he only cried a bit when we left, eventually tapering off and playing with all the kids.  She said he had moments of sadness throughout the day where his little lip would quiver and his eyes would tear, but he didn't cry again.  He's a strong boy!  He did fall asleep for 20 minutes during circle time and woke up just in time for lunch, which he ate well (except for the veggies!). 

Of course he would do well, he's Miles!  What was I so worried about?  The funny thing is that he's been in daycare since he was 6 months and that was definitely more nerve wracking than this.  I remember that first day I dropped him off with total strangers, him being so little and defenseless, I spent the day on edge, I couldn't wait to go pick him up.  And he was fine.  That time, he didn't even cry.  But he's a big boy now, this is school, this is real learning, this is part two of his therapy and the early intervention world.  This is stepping it up a notch.  He is older, he knows when we are there and when we're not.  He loves us and knows we take care of him and it scares him to see us go.  And though we can tell him, "Miles, we'll be back to pick you up in a few hours.  You get to play with the nice teachers and make some new friends", he doesn't understand what we're saying to him.  It does not compute yet.  So what made me sad today was thinking that he didn't know if we were coming back.  He was trying to believe, he wanted to trust that we would be back, but he was afraid that maybe we wouldn't be.  The thought of his fear made me sad.  All I want to do is nurture and protect him and though I know he knows that in his heart, he still gets scared.  My little sweetheart. 

Another challenge down.....many more to go!!

Miles with his backpack, ready for his first day of preschool

Thanks Mailyn....

Yesterday was Miles' last day of Infant Stimulation class and I was very sad to see his teacher go. Miles is starting at an Early Intervention pre-school on Monday so the regional center took away his Infant Stim teacher. In preschool, he will be basically doing a lot of the same things the teacher did with him, but three times a week for three hours a day.  It's a good thing for Miles, it means he's progressing well.  It was just sad for me because she's been with him and us since the beginning.  Mailyn was the first teacher/therapist to work with Miles.  He was just four months old when she started coming to see him.  Miles could barely hold his head up, he couldn't roll over, he wasn't making much sounds and I wondered what was this teacher going to do with him?  What could she possibly teach him or us at the time?  She actually taught us a lot.

On her first meeting with Miles, Mailyn showed us how he was tracking objects really well.  She showed us how he reacted to sounds and started introducing him to different textures.  At first, I wasn't sure how knowledgeable she was, she seemed a bit timid with Miles.  It turned out that she was new to this job and he was one of her first clients.  But within a couple of weeks, she had gained much confidence handling him and talking to us and I saw how his eyes lit up each time she'd come for a class.  She always brought different toys and stayed well on target for all his goals.  As the months passed, Miles began engaging more with her, actually playing, understanding what to do with certain toys and listening to Mailyn and her instructions.  She helped us with his physical and cognitive skills in so many ways.  We learned about child development and milestones and how to push Miles and introduce new objects, sounds, textures all from watching her play with him. 

Miles at 4 months

Of all of Miles' therapists, Mailyn has also been the one with least drama.  She was never late, she always called if there was a problem, she was courteous, sweet and very nurturing.  Miles got to really enjoy their classes together.  She would show up with two huge bags full of different toys and it was like Christmas to him.  He always sat attentively waiting to see what new toy would come out of the bag.  I'm so glad she got to see Miles crawl, stand and walk.  She got to hear his sound progression too.  He used to make no noises in the beginning, no cooing sounds, no baaaa sounds, nothing.  He never responded to his name or to any commands and now, he won't stop talking!  We might not understand what he's saying, but he's got such complex and varied sounds that he makes, he points, he inflects, he knows his name and her name, he helps her clean up after class....I could go on and on.  The point is, Mailyn was a huge part of Miles' early intervention.  She was a huge part of our first year, with all of our fears and anxieties about Miles' cognition and motor skills, what he would or wouldn't be able to do.  She saw us go through all that and helped to ease our fears.  And so I cried when we said goodbye.  We both cried.  She loves Miles very much and was also torn by having to leave him.  She told me he was her first student and couldn't believe how much he had accomplished in two years.  She is very proud of him.  As are we.  And thankful to have had her around.

So here's a big Thank You to Mailyn for being such a nurturing, knowledgeable, caring, warm, positive and wonderful teacher to Miles!  I feel very fortunate for Mailyn and other great therapists Miles has, who are not only helping him, but they are helping us navigate through this journey.


Below is a little video of Miles at around 5 1/2 months, discovering new sounds with his mouth and tongue and tripping out on his hand.  Pretty cool.....

Trusting the Process

Last Friday I was up at 5am and watched the sunrise from my new home office.  I wasn't up because of Miles, it was actually my 30 week pregnant belly that was making it way too uncomfortable to sleep.  So instead of tossing and turning for another hour, I got up and enjoyed an early morning by myself. I stretched and meditated and sipped some calming tea.  I needed that, you see I've been pushing myself too hard the last couple of weeks.  Mentally and physically.  I've been so overwhelmed and anxious about getting everything just right before this baby comes that my brain and body have been running on overdrive and I've had no time to nurture myself.  So my body revolted and I broke out in hives on my hands and feet! That has never happened to me before and I spent a couple of days ignoring it, thinking they would go away.  But the pain just got worse, to the point where I could barely make a fist with my hands.  So I stopped and listened to what was going on inside of me.  And I made a deal with my body:  I told it that I would promise to slow down, rest and take care of myself if it promised to stop the hives from spreading and make them go away, fast!  And it worked!  My body complied...and so did I.  I spent the rest of Thanksgiving weekend relaxing at home with Zach and Miles, taking naps, being outside and enjoying the beautiful weather. 

It's ridiculous that I had to break out into hives to slow down!  Oh, not only that, I also got some weird pain in the back of my knee which had me limping for almost a week.  I couldn't bend or stretch my leg completely because of the pain.  I couldn't kneel, sit with my legs folded, crouch.....so basically, playing with Miles was almost impossible.  I'm happy to say that I feel fine now and that although I still have lots of "stresses", I'm not over-doing it and am taking time out to be good to myself.  Even if it just means going to sleep early or reading a book instead of answering the phone.  I hope it lasts because the next two months are gonna to be jam packed with activity and change.  Lots and lots of change......

Miles is starting at a pre-school in less than two weeks.  It's more like a pre-pre-school.  It is at the center where Miles gets his Occupational therapy and it's part of the Early Intervention Programs in the state, so it is paid for by my regional center.  It's for kids under 3 years old who are walking and have some kind of developmental delay.  There is one teacher per 3 students and they are all trained in working with kids who have special needs.  Currently in the program, there are several kids with Down syndrome, a couple with Autism and the rest have either speech or other physical delays.  The classrooms are cute, the teachers are sweet, and I know Miles will do well....but I'm so nervous!  What if he can't keep up?  What if he really isn't ready for this setting yet?  What if there's too many changes for him at this moment?  The truth is, I think Miles will be fine, I'm the one who's having a tough time with all these transitions!!!!

I'm going to have another baby in less than two months! My son is starting pre-school and all his current therapies are going to be in flux while we adjust to the new pre-school schedule, which means my schedule is going to be a mess!  I still have to get Miles' new room ready and move him in, preferably before baby girl is born!  I need to finish organizing baby girl's closet and the kitchen and oh! the holidays are coming and I want to decorate the house and be merry and celebrate and buy gifts and see friends and bake cookies and get a haircut and a facial and go to yoga and did I mention I'm having another baby in less than two months????  Yes, it's me.  I'm the one freaking out about all the changes.  Do you see why I got those hives?

I was taking it one day at a time and that was working so well for me, then all of a sudden I hit week 29 or 30 of my pregnancy and I realized that time was flying by and I wasn't getting enough done!  I'm a doer, so being a pregnant tired lady with a two year old son does not necessarily slow me down.   And you know what the real funny thing is?  Now that I'm getting so close to having the baby and I'm finally feeling the stress of it all, I start getting a bunch of auditions and jobs!  It's been dead for me the last three months, then all of a sudden, I'm booking again!  That's life though!  When you think you can't put one more thing on your plate, life throws you another and you have to find a way to balance it all. 

My yoga teacher reminded me today that I need to "trust in the process.  It will all work out."  I know this, but I had forgotten.  So right now, in this very moment at least, I am trusting in the process.  I am trusting that all that needs to get done will get done.  I am trusting that I am exactly where I need to be, mentally and physically.  And if I just let go of my fears and anxieties and continue trusting the process, this whole transition will be much smoother for myself and my family.  Deep breath.  Lets see how long this lasts.

Doing What I Love

Miles has therapy every day except Friday.  He's got a busy schedule, so I've got a busy schedule.  And we have a routine.  On Mondays and Wednesdays it's physical therapy in the morning and then daycare for a few hours. I usually get some grocery shopping and house cleaning done, maybe and audition or a doctor's appointment as well.  Basically, chores! On Tuesdays it's speech therapy followed by 2 hours of occupational therapy, then it's home to nap and music class to end the day.  On Thursdays it's speech therapy followed by infant stimulation, followed by a nap and then a free afternoon where we often go to the park.  And Fridays, oh sweet Fridays, those are mine, completely mine!  After breakfast, I drop Miles off at daycare for the whole day.  I get to exercise, write, read, nap, cook, go shopping, catch up on blogging, catch up with friends, take a long bath, nap.....it's my day for me.  I love Fridays but today was not one of those Fridays.  Today is Verterans Day, it's also 11-11-11, supposedly and auspicious day.  I had planned to take a yoga class or a long walk, followed by a yummy lunch, a nap, some writing....until I realized that daycare was closed today.  Argh!  Don't get me wrong, I love my little dude and I love hanging out with him, but Fridays are so important to my sanity!  Especially now that I'm pregnant!

So here I was Friday morning, 8am, we had breakfast, we're dressed, Zach is off to work, the sky is threatening to pour down rain, Miles is bouncing off the walls and I'm wondering what the hell I'm gonna do all day to entertain him.  I'm just not used to having a whole free day with Miles, not since he was like a year old anyway.  Our days are scheduled and busy, even the weekends when we often have birthday parties, family gatherings, a swim class or learning class or something.  There's always something it seems.  Not today.  There was nothing.  Just Miles and me and the whole day in front of us.  Honestly, I was a little afraid.  Now that he's walking, he's a little maniac, constantly going from one from to the other, climbing up the bed and couches, opening doors, getting into drawers.  He's also more aware of things he didn't notice before like the radio, the phone, the remote control and he wants to play with them all day long.  It's difficult to pin him down for a meal unless he's starving, so I usually end up sitting on the floor next to him eating my food until he seems interested in having some of his own.  We're still trying to get him off the bottle and though he can drink out of sippy cups and regular cups, he still has a bad habit of throwing them on the floor.  And of not drinking enough liquids out of them.  So I'm constantly having to offer him different liquids in different cups so he drinks enough and doesn't get constipated.  I feel like I spend the day saying, "Miles stop.  No Miles.  Don't touch that.  Please come here Miles.  Miles what's in your mouth.  Please stop throwing things."  It's exhausting!  Oh and he hates it when I change his diaper or try to put clothes on him, he's like a little caveman.  I have a baby caveman!  You have to remember the thing about Miles is that he's delayed, he's always going to be delayed, so although he's making huge progress, like walking and a few sign language words, he is more like a one year old than a two year old.  And being 7 months pregnant while running after a 1 year old is tough!!

I don't know how other moms do it, especially with multiple kids.  But they do it.  So I had to pick myself up and do it today, even though I just wanted to sleep.  And we ended up having an.....interesting day.  After breakfast, we practiced reading skills:  matching words to pictures.  Something I'm learning through a class we take on Saturdays.  That lasted about 5 minutes until he started chewing on all the flash cards and we had to stop.  Then we moved on to arts and crafts.  I recently bought him an easel with a dry erase board and chalkboard on the other side.  I showed him how to scribble with the markers but after a few tries, he thought it would be more fun to scribble my face.  So we moved on to the chalk, which he decided would make a great meal.  I fought with him trying to get the chunk of chalk out of his mouth and he bit me so hard with his little shark teeth that I cried. So arts and crafts ended in tears.  My tears.
 
I then made plans to meet up with a friend and her daughter at an indoor play space.  So we had a snack, changed a poopy diaper and headed out.  Well, it seems Miles' daycare was not the only closed for Veterans day because every other mom in the area brought their kids to the play space too.  It was ridiculously packed, to the point where little ones could seriously  get hurt by the big ones running around without a vigilant parent.  Miles of course, gets over-excited in these type of places, especially with big kids around.  So he was in heaven wanting to run, climb and jump just like the big kids.  He made me go in the bouncy castle with him (yes, he has his ways) and when he got tired, he literally jumped out of the hole.  I dove towards him on my belly (sorry baby girl!) grabbed him by the leg and fell out of the bouncy castle onto the foot of another mother.  It was embarrassing and hilarious and utterly wrong all at the same time.  Then he had me climbing up a ladder with him and sliding down the slippery slide where I almost fell again.  Eventually, I got him into the small children's area where he played with toys long enough to let me catch my breath.  But we didn't last there very long.  He started throwing himself on the floor in his little "tired tantrums" as I think of them because it's what he does when he's real tired.  So we left and he fell asleep in the car within minutes.

He took a good looooong nap, but I didn't get to enjoy that nap time because I had to go to my shrink appointment.  Luckily my mom was around to watch him for that hour and a half, but I didn't get my nap in and boy did I need it. When I returned from my appointment, my mom left and it was me and the man once more. I was too exhausted to try hard.  So we watched TV, something we try not to do until we put on Signing Time after dinner.  He didn't want to eat, so I didn't force him.  We played with his toys, read books, jumped on the bed and watched TV.  And when I put him to bed at 7:30pm, he drank his milk and wrapped his arm around my belly and I melted for the hundredth time.  Miles is not able to tell me that he loves me.  He doesn't respond or even seem to understand simple commands yet.  I can't reason with him the way I see my friends reason with their two year olds and that's incredibly frustrating.  But with one touch, one smile, one look, I know exactly what he's feeling and what he would tell me if he could.  He is able to express all of it with his eyes, his smile, his touch and that is worth more than words to me. 

We had a long, rocky and fun day.  I'm exhausted.  I shouldn't even be writing right now, but I had to.  I want to be able to remember these sweet sweet moments with my son.  I have to constantly remind myself to have more patience with Miles, that he will catch up, that we will communicate better one day, that he will understand me.
I use the mantra "This too shall pass" throughout the day when I'm faced with a challenging moment with Miles. What I need to remember is that the mantra also refers to the good moments.  They too will pass, so I need to savor them.  Savor the sweetness of my little boy, with all his quirks, because he is perfect just the way he is.

These are photos of Miles and I playing around on my bed today.  He found it hilarious every time I put the camera up to make a picture.  I loved it too.  And I realized as I looked at this photos, that despite what I thought I wanted to do today, I spent my day doing exactly what I love to do.

Feeling Crappy About Preschools

Okay, that f 'ing sucked!!  Zach and I just went to visit a preschool that supposedly accepts kids with special needs.  The minute I walked in I wanted to cry, scream and run out of there.  The place is beautiful, filled with arts and crafts, a vegetable garden, books, everything natural, organic and perfect.  You could see the different projects kids were working on: clay, wires, watercolors.  It was aesthetically pleasing, it felt homey and like the perfect school environment for a kid.  But would it be right for our kid?  I started tearing up and that's when I wanted to RUN OUT OF THERE!!!!!

Miles is awesome, Miles is doing very well....for a kid with Ds.  Would Miles do well in this kind of environment that's child-led not teacher-led?  Would Miles be able to perform any of the activities with his poor fine motor skills?  Or are his skills good enough to follow along?  Would he run around screaming and pushing other children or would he be able to follow along?  Would he actually grow and flourish here or would he just flounder?  This would have been an awesome environment for me to grow up in, but is it right for him?

My gut told me no.  In my gut, I believe he needs more one on one attention to really do well.  He needs to be with other typical children, but have more close guidance.  But then I wonder, am I limiting him and not seeing his full potential because of my own fears and inadequacies? Or are Zach and I deluded in thinking that he could do well in this school just because we would love to see him in this school.  Maybe we want him to be something he's not.  I just can't f 'ing tell and I'm so sad and confused about it all.

After the lady finished giving us the shpeal on the school we went up to ask questions about kids with special needs, etc.  Well, as it turns out, they are open to having a child with special needs, but they have never had one...since 1978!  It's never been the right match.  The indignant part of me thought, "well that's because you haven't met Miles!" The other part of me thought, "there's never been the right match because our kids aren't ready for this environment."  Ugh!!!  We kept talking and I could feel myself alternate between being defensive and giving up on my child.  I wanted to be open and positive but I just felt....crappy.  I felt crappy. 

We walked out and both Zach and I had a little cry.  Why are we doing this to ourselves?  There are perfectly good public preschools with programs especially designed for our kids, why can't we just be okay with that?  Because we want more.  Because we wouldn't send our "typical" child to a public school so we need to see if there are other options for Miles.  But in wanting the best for him, maybe we are overlooking what is best for him.  Or not.  Argh!!  Crap crap crap. 

Yep, I can see that this is one of many challenges to come and I ain't prepared for this shit!  Not yet.  But I'll arm myself with information and use my intuition.  The answer will reveal itself....right?  right? Crap.