Okay, that f 'ing sucked!! Zach and I just went to visit a preschool that supposedly accepts kids with special needs. The minute I walked in I wanted to cry, scream and run out of there. The place is beautiful, filled with arts and crafts, a vegetable garden, books, everything natural, organic and perfect. You could see the different projects kids were working on: clay, wires, watercolors. It was aesthetically pleasing, it felt homey and like the perfect school environment for a kid. But would it be right for our kid? I started tearing up and that's when I wanted to RUN OUT OF THERE!!!!!
Miles is awesome, Miles is doing very well....for a kid with Ds. Would Miles do well in this kind of environment that's child-led not teacher-led? Would Miles be able to perform any of the activities with his poor fine motor skills? Or are his skills good enough to follow along? Would he run around screaming and pushing other children or would he be able to follow along? Would he actually grow and flourish here or would he just flounder? This would have been an awesome environment for me to grow up in, but is it right for him?
My gut told me no. In my gut, I believe he needs more one on one attention to really do well. He needs to be with other typical children, but have more close guidance. But then I wonder, am I limiting him and not seeing his full potential because of my own fears and inadequacies? Or are Zach and I deluded in thinking that he could do well in this school just because we would love to see him in this school. Maybe we want him to be something he's not. I just can't f 'ing tell and I'm so sad and confused about it all.
After the lady finished giving us the shpeal on the school we went up to ask questions about kids with special needs, etc. Well, as it turns out, they are open to having a child with special needs, but they have never had one...since 1978! It's never been the right match. The indignant part of me thought, "well that's because you haven't met Miles!" The other part of me thought, "there's never been the right match because our kids aren't ready for this environment." Ugh!!! We kept talking and I could feel myself alternate between being defensive and giving up on my child. I wanted to be open and positive but I just felt....crappy. I felt crappy.
We walked out and both Zach and I had a little cry. Why are we doing this to ourselves? There are perfectly good public preschools with programs especially designed for our kids, why can't we just be okay with that? Because we want more. Because we wouldn't send our "typical" child to a public school so we need to see if there are other options for Miles. But in wanting the best for him, maybe we are overlooking what is best for him. Or not. Argh!! Crap crap crap.
Yep, I can see that this is one of many challenges to come and I ain't prepared for this shit! Not yet. But I'll arm myself with information and use my intuition. The answer will reveal itself....right? right? Crap.