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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Feeling Crappy About Preschools

Okay, that f 'ing sucked!!  Zach and I just went to visit a preschool that supposedly accepts kids with special needs.  The minute I walked in I wanted to cry, scream and run out of there.  The place is beautiful, filled with arts and crafts, a vegetable garden, books, everything natural, organic and perfect.  You could see the different projects kids were working on: clay, wires, watercolors.  It was aesthetically pleasing, it felt homey and like the perfect school environment for a kid.  But would it be right for our kid?  I started tearing up and that's when I wanted to RUN OUT OF THERE!!!!!

Miles is awesome, Miles is doing very well....for a kid with Ds.  Would Miles do well in this kind of environment that's child-led not teacher-led?  Would Miles be able to perform any of the activities with his poor fine motor skills?  Or are his skills good enough to follow along?  Would he run around screaming and pushing other children or would he be able to follow along?  Would he actually grow and flourish here or would he just flounder?  This would have been an awesome environment for me to grow up in, but is it right for him?

My gut told me no.  In my gut, I believe he needs more one on one attention to really do well.  He needs to be with other typical children, but have more close guidance.  But then I wonder, am I limiting him and not seeing his full potential because of my own fears and inadequacies? Or are Zach and I deluded in thinking that he could do well in this school just because we would love to see him in this school.  Maybe we want him to be something he's not.  I just can't f 'ing tell and I'm so sad and confused about it all.

After the lady finished giving us the shpeal on the school we went up to ask questions about kids with special needs, etc.  Well, as it turns out, they are open to having a child with special needs, but they have never had one...since 1978!  It's never been the right match.  The indignant part of me thought, "well that's because you haven't met Miles!" The other part of me thought, "there's never been the right match because our kids aren't ready for this environment."  Ugh!!!  We kept talking and I could feel myself alternate between being defensive and giving up on my child.  I wanted to be open and positive but I just felt....crappy.  I felt crappy. 

We walked out and both Zach and I had a little cry.  Why are we doing this to ourselves?  There are perfectly good public preschools with programs especially designed for our kids, why can't we just be okay with that?  Because we want more.  Because we wouldn't send our "typical" child to a public school so we need to see if there are other options for Miles.  But in wanting the best for him, maybe we are overlooking what is best for him.  Or not.  Argh!!  Crap crap crap. 

Yep, I can see that this is one of many challenges to come and I ain't prepared for this shit!  Not yet.  But I'll arm myself with information and use my intuition.  The answer will reveal itself....right?  right? Crap.


  1. Just my opinion, but I think our kids respond better to linear structural environments, as opposed to looser, child-led programs. Samantha and others I know do not transition well from activities, and like to know exactly what the order of the schedule is going to be in advance so they can prepare themselves for moving on to another activity. I always thought that a child-led situation would be too loosey-goosey and she'd completely melt down. Don't feel bad...you'll find the right place for him. Keep looking! :-)

  2. Thank you for your opinion. It does help!

  3. I had a similar experience going to two different preschools. I totally get all the sides you are weighing everything on! I too don't like the idea of Public school. Period. End of story. I also don't like the idea what it feels more like an institution than a school. To me - public feels like I am abandoning my son! The Jewish COmmunity Center WANTS him. It's costs and arm and a leg and is far from where we live but they WANT and incourage kids with Special needs to be a part of that community so that everyone learns that all people are important and all people have individual ways of learning. LOVE THAT. Made me cry. Then heard of a co-op preschool that kids from music class go to. I e-mailed them about Max. They told me they are not equipt for kids with Special Needs. I sank. I got so upset. I felt like "ohhhh so you only feel that education is important for CERTAIN kinds of people " I see. ie: Fuck you and your elite BS. They wanted me to come in and meet them and get a tour and talk to the teachers who have 20 years experience. I felt like it would be a waste of time and just getting my nose rubbed into the hip school that is actually NOT hip because they aren't equipt for Max. ( even though they haven't met him or know what his specific needs are ). I didn't e-mail back yet. But I really want to say all of these things. I'm avoiding the public schools that we moved to this part of town to be near and I am counting the days for the Jewish Community center to open their enrollment even though it will mean eating rice at every meal and that's it. I hear you and feel you and want to pretend I don't have to deal with all of this! crap crap crap.

  4. One more important thing, check reviews of preschool over the net. There is fare amount of chances that you will not get enough details but it's worth giving try.