When I was little I often wished that I was a boy. I didn't want to go through the painful things that women had to go through: menstruation and child birth. I felt that boys were so lucky because they would never have to go through those two dreaded things and I thought my life would be so much easier if I was a boy. I always had close girlfriends, but I loved hanging out with the boys. They were so much easier to be with. And once I started having boyfriends, it was all about boys for a long time. I still had my girlfriends, but I always hung out with the boys. Now, eighteen years later I can say with all my heart that I am so happy to be a woman. I feel lucky that I get to experience carrying a baby, having a baby, being a wife, a mother, a daughter, and a friend to other women. And I am happy to say that although I still love men, especially my two main men (Zach & Miles), I love to hang out with women. I prefer to be surrounded by that empowering, courageous, strong spirit of women. And that's exactly what I did today as I participated in a Baby Blessing and Welcoming Circle for myself and eight other friends who are all mothers and the majority of us pregnant a second time. I was completely moved and inspired by each and every single one of these brave women who opened up their hearts and shared their fears, anxieties, hopes, dreams, needs and inadequacies. They all reminded me that I'm not in this alone and that I am enough as I am at this very moment.
See, I've had a tough time truly connecting to the baby girl growing inside of me right now. With Miles, it was a breeze. I did everything "right". I didn't eat cold cuts or soft
cheeses, I took all my vitamins religiously, I did yoga four times a
week and kept active while giving myself all the rest I needed. I had so much time to luxuriate in everything he and I needed that I felt physically and emotionally connected to him and my spiritual self. This time around, I feel like I've been neglecting myself and the baby in my belly. I am disorganized, tired, and constantly racing against the clock to get things done. I barely exercise, I often don't eat well, I forget to take my prenatal vitamins, I drink caffeine and I don't get enough sleep. I don't sit and meditate daily or talk to my baby or take long walks by myself. It's just a different experience because my life is in a different place right now. And although I understand that, I can't help but feel guilty. And I think the guilt stems from the fact that maybe I'm kinda being a little "bad" with this pregnancy on purpose. Maybe there's a little bit of anger and resentment inside of me at the unfairness of life because even though I did everything right with Miles, he didn't come out "perfect". Meanwhile I had friends who did all the bad things during their pregnancies and their babies came out fine. So if I'm a little bad this time around, my baby will come out without any problems this time, right? Whatever, that's my messed up reasoning!! And I know it's messed up, but somewhere in my subconscious I really feel this way. Or do I?
I don't know, but that's why I've been feeling so guilty and like I'm not a good mother and being hard on myself for just about everything.
Point is, being in this Baby Blessing Circle today reminded me that I am not alone in all my fears and anxieties, my feelings of guilt. As women and mothers, we share similar feelings and thoughts and we need each other to find our strength and courage during those rough moments. Being a part of the circle allowed me to reconnect with my love for myself and let go of some the negative feelings that can bring me down. I feel incredibly grateful to this loving group of women who have supported me these last two years and for all the other amazing women in my life, including those who came before me and who helped me be the woman I am today.