I woke up at 4:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. In just 24 hours I will be heading to the hospital to have a baby, via cesarean. I've spent the last 9 1/2 months preparing for this moment, mentally, physically and emotionally. I know I have trauma from Miles' birth. It was the best and worst day of my life so far. It was the birth of my son, the one who has brought me so much love, joy and enlightenment. But the way it all went down was not joyous at all. The operation itself went great, it was the hour after when we were told Miles might have Down syndrome. At that very moment, every ounce of joy I felt got crushed by a sadness so deep that my whole being went into mourning. I was already in an altered state from the anesthesia wearing off and the pain medication kicking in. My body was shaking, my teeth were shattering, but my mind was healthy. And then the news. The news sent my mind reeling. I went deep, deep into a black abyss from which I never knew if I'd come out. As the anesthesia wore off, I felt like my mind was melting away with it. Was I shaking from fear and sorrow or was it really the drugs wearing off?
I try to find the good memories in my birth experience with Miles, but they are all tainted by those words, "Your son may have Down syndrome". I can't find one clean, clear, fully happy moment. They took that away from me an hour after he was born! I wasn't allowed to savor it and now it's hard to find. So yes, going back into the same hospital, to an OR, to have another cesarean birth is freaking me out. I know this time will be different, my heart knows that, but my mind keeps getting flashbacks to the last time. So I couldn't get back to sleep.
It's now almost 7am, the sun is up and I can hear Miles in his bedroom. I believe everything will be all right. Baby Girl's birth will be perfect, she will be healthy, strong and beautiful. She will have all her fingers and toes and breath well and will have no extra and no less chromosomes. She'll be just right. And I will be happy and recover well from the operation. I will feel extreme love and joy for both my new baby and big boy Miles and nobody will take that away from me. I will have come full circle.