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Thursday, January 19, 2012

A Different Sort of Chaos

Miles has been acting very unlike himself in the last two weeks.  Well, it really all started about a month ago, when he got an ear infection.  He didn't want to eat, he was irritable, waking up at night, crying for no reason.  We took him to the doctor, got him on antibiotics and he started being more his charming little self.  His appetite came back and he stopped waking up at night, but then his stomach got messed up.  Probably from the antibiotics.  He hasn't wanted to eat much, not even his favorite foods (brown rice, eggs and toast).  He's been a picky eater for the last year, but we never had a problem with breakfast....until now.  All of a sudden, he doesn't even want breakfast.  And he's been whiny and clingy.  If Zach and I are around, he wants us to hold him constantly.  And then, this morning, for no reason, he started crying and wouldn't stop.  Miles is not a crier.  Even when he was a little baby, he barely cried and when he did, it never lasted more than a couple of seconds, maybe a few minutes.   So this morning was a first, because Miles sat there and cried for at least 15 minutes and he was inconsolable.

He wanted food, but when we gave it to him, he wouldn't eat it.  He wanted to be held, but then he didn't.  He wanted to sit down, but then he didn't.  He was crying with emotion more than pain.  Zach and I tried everything to soothe him and it broke our hearts to see him so frustrated, so out of control, so much in need of our help, but unable to communicate it.  I finally grabbed him in my arms and took him outside into the cool morning air, to see the sun and the trees and the birds and the sky.  And we talked.  I reassured him that I loved him and that he was okay.  I told him what we were going to do today and that it was going to be a good day and he stopped crying.  He relaxed, he held me tight and eventually we went back inside and got him ready to go, because of course, he has a full day of therapy and daycare and music class.....

I don't know!  Zach and I are at a loss!  We're not sure what's going on with him and we are just as frustrated as he is about our inability to communicate.  Sign language only gets us so far and we just don't know what else to do.  I look at his little crying face and it kills me.  He wants something, he needs something, but he might not even know what it is, let alone communicate that to us.  It's heart wrenching and exhausting and completely frustrating.  I know that "this too shall pass" but I am hurting for my son because I don't know how to help him.  Am I doing everything I can to try and understand him?  I'm tired and sometimes I lose my patience and then I feel horrible.  It's a challenge!

In my gut, I think he realizes that things are about to change at home.  He's feeling our anxious energy and maybe even the baby's energy and he's afraid that he might not get our love and attention once this baby comes.  He's definitely aware that things are happening and I think he's got his own anxiety about how he's going to fit into the equation.  So he's acting out, he's on food strike, he's being needy, he wants as much as he can get from us now, while he has us all to himself.  I know this is going to be a difficult transition for all of us, but I also know that by this time next year, none of it will matter.  It will have passed and Miles will love his sister and will be teaching her and learning from her.  And we will be living in a different sort of chaos, one that can accommodate all of us equally. For now, we continue to live in anticipation of all the changes that will take place as soon as baby girl joins us.  Which is very soon..thank God!  Cause the anticipation is killing me!  It's killing all of us!

I keep wondering if I'm giving Miles enough attention.  Am I showing him that I love him?  Am I there for him when he needs me?  I worry that I've been too self-involved to be there for him and that's why he's acting out.  I'm doing the best I can...I just hope my best is good enough.  

Here are some pics of Miles and I lounging around, enjoying lazy time together.

I love this little man!

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